How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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