The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
soo... how was my night?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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