Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
