Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
