My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
