Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
