i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
