I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
