My room smells like vodka and shame
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My feet surprised me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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