If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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