dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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