Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
