You're my little dorito
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
