Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
