I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
