nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
