I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
