Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
