I think my fart just growled at me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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