apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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