May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
