and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
