I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
