Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dicks are not precious.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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