Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
