I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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