What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
