So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
