True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
