even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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