We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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