PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
