i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
