i just sent this text using only my big toe
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They have beer where we have blood.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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