I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My cat gives me a boner
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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