I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
