Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
