the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
