i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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