So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
