the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
