bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
