I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
