I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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