Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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