Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
