it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
