you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
