so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
