I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
