She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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