I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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