bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
