Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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