hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
